I ripped out his throat and called you on the telephone

[neverdanced]

For a young vampire who was still learning the ropes, eight weeks without an incident was quite an accomplishment. Steve thought he was in the clear. That actually should've been the biggest indicator that he wasn't. He'd done well in decent sized crowds, yes, but that was when Bucky was there. When he wasn't feeling particularly hungry. When he was alone and feeling ravenous- well, that was something else entirely.

Even in those cases, he'd managed. His spirit and stubbornness worked well in his favour in these circumstances. He was determined not to hurt anyone, and that meant that he couldn't leave the apartment without Bucky. When he kept himself occupied, this was an easy task, even when he felt dreadfully bored and twitchy.

It never occurred to him that this would ever change. But of course, like any time anyone ever felt a strong sense of certainty about something, fate had to come along and shake things up to prove otherwise.

For Steve, this fateful night started like any other. Bucky went into work, Steve did pushups to occupy himself. That turned to crunches, to jumping jacks, to sitting on the edge of the couch while watching some primetime drama that just happened to be airing.

It changed when the woman downstairs sliced her hand open in some sort of mishap while trying to get a can of peaches open. These were details that Steve was unaware of. What caught his attention was the distinct scent of blood wafting up through the ventilation system. That alone made his mouth water. It was intoxicating, but something that Steve tried so hard to ignore.

His solution was simple: he opened the window to air out the apartment and got a blood bag thinking that would help sate everything. The joke was on him, because the combination of knowing how bad this in comparison to getting it from a fresh source and hearing all the activity outside much more clearly made it even worse.

That was the last thing Steve remembered. There were three hours that he couldn't account for, but he wasn't daft. He could've put the pieces together even if all the horrifying evidence wasn't directly in front of him.

At some point, he must've left the apartment. Considering he was in the middle of New York City, he was sure he hadn't gone after the first person he saw. He likely wouldn't have made it this far. Yet somehow he was seven blocks from home, in some dark back alley in an area that never was a good idea to venture into alone. Beside him was the lifeless body of some man, completely drained of blood.

If that wasn't evidence enough of what he'd done, there was that particular sensation that came from being full of fresh warm blood. Full of life. As Steve sat there, it all began to sank in. The high began to fade and was quickly replaced with rising panic. He'd taken a life. Someone who was likely innocent, who hadn't deserved this at all.

He didn't know what to do.

He'd never been in a situation like this, nor had he imagined he would've been ever. If Bucky ever told him what he was supposed to do, he couldn't remember it. Steve didn't consider himself helpless by any means, but it wasn't like he killed someone every day.

After an eternity of trying to calm down- in reality it was five or eight minutes- he dug his cell phone out of his pocket. As much as it was engrained in his moral code to call the authorities to report this, he called Bucky instead.

Whether the vampire answered his phone or let it go to voicemail, Steve would initially only say one thing: Help me.

Comments

[couldntreach]

Bucky didn't talk much on the phone. He told Steve not to move, and to keep quiet, then he dragged one of his more frequent patrons over the bar and shoved the keys into his hand until Anna could get there to cover for him. It was an emergency.

He took off with unnatural speed across the city, stopping only when he had found the younger vampire. His hand was on Steve's shoulder the moment he stopped, as he crouched down in front of him, looking for his eyes as he tried to make sure the other was physically okay, if mentally shaken.

"Steve, I'm here."

He ignored the body for the moment. If anyone found them he would take care of it. There were things he should have been asking.

Did anyone see you? Did you call the cops? Did he scream?

None of them were what came out of his mouth.

"Are you alright?

[neverdanced]

Steve literally didn't move during the time he waited on Bucky to find him. It was good that at this time of night, it was relatively isolated here. He wasn't keeping a lookout for anyone; he was retreating into his own mind and trying to find a way to cope with the guilt of having killed this man. Had he been more alert, he would've noticed that not a single person passed this alleyway in the time since he got off the phone with Bucky.

He didn't snap out of it until he felt the other vampire touching him, dragging him out of his mind and back into reality. Where, yes, that body was still right there beside him.

"I killed him." No, I'm not okay. I'm a murderer.

Just because this had always been a possibility didn't mean that he thought it would actually happen.

[couldntreach]

Bucky gave the man a long look and moved over to the body, fishing a wallet out of his pocket and leafing through it. He pocketed the cash and took a few of the cards before dropping the wallet in a puddle next to him.

"Steve." He moved back in front of him, hands on Steve's shoulders. "Look at me. It's okay. Alright? This isn't your fault." He didn't want to have to turn this into a teaching thing, but if it ever did happen again, Steve needed to know how to take care of it, didn't he?

Could Bucky cover for him every time? He could try.

"I'm going to take care of this. You... might not want to watch."

He had never had a problem with his own methods until he had to be around Steve when he was doing it.

He lifted Steve's hand to his mouth, sinking his teeth into the younger vampire's wrist and drinking a few swallows of blood, waiting for the wound to close before he pulled his mouth away. He pulled a knife from his pocket, pricking his finger for a few drops of blood on the bite marks. He watched them close up before he pressed the knife to the dead man's neck and sliced. Cutting his wrist open with a low hiss, he held his arm over the wound until the front of the man's shirt and neck were red with the blood, then he rolled the man over, blood still dripping from his wrist.

Normally he had a slightly less gruesome method, but the man was too far drained and too long dead for it to work.

When he was done and his wrist healed, he moved back to Steve, almost hesitant at first. Would Steve look at him differently knowing the sort of things Bucky did to cover up these things?

He wanted to tell Steve it was okay. That this man was probably a mugger or worse and wouldn't be missed. But he had a feeling Steve wouldn't be able to look past the fact that he had killed someone to see that he was doing this area of town a favor. Steve just wasn't that kind of person. He was a right and wrong justice by jury kind of person.

"Hey. Look at me."

[neverdanced]

Steve didn't say much. Partly because he had no idea of what to even say right now, and partly because he couldn't. The shock was still there, and if Bucky looked close enough, it would be easy to tell that Steve's hands were shaking. He'd gotten into fights before, and he wasn't a stranger to gory injuries. The difference was, he'd never taken a life. Even if one of his back alley fights ever got that violent- although honestly he'd likely be the one to die- it still wouldn't be as bad as this.

He kept his gaze on Bucky while the other vampire drank from him. It would've been something he might have even enjoyed were the circumstances different. He was too upset to be able to feel much else. It didn't even matter that Bucky insisted that it wasn't his fault. Steve didn't believe him and likely never would.

When Bucky stopped and started working on the body, Steve glanced over briefly. He should've listened and not looked over at all, but it was too late to prevent that from happening. What he could do was stare at the bricks ahead of him and concentrate on nothing as much as he could.

He understood what Bucky was doing, but he didn't like he and he didn't approve of it. But were there other options? He doubted it. It was a necessary evil, but Steve knew he wouldn't have been able to do that himself. Maybe he ought to just turn himself in.

Nevermind the issues that would cause considering he wasn't even human anymore. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

"What." With the slight tilt of his head, he glanced back to Bucky.

[couldntreach]

Sliding a hand behind the back of Steve's neck, Bucky searched his eyes before getting up, drawing Steve with him. They couldn't have this conversation here. It was getting early in the morning and someone might stumble across them, or worse, if the sun caught them out and about.

"Come on. Beating yourself up over this helps nothing."

He paused, trailing off a moment and pulling Steve's arm, lightly.

"Let's go home."

He would talk to Steve when they were safely back in doors and he could ease the man's body away from Steve's mind.

[neverdanced]

Had Bucky not insisted on them leaving, Steve wouldn't have left, much less gotten to his feet. It wasn't that he didn't want to; he wanted to get as far away as possible, and if it were possible to pretend this never happened, he'd want that too.

That man over there didn't deserve this fate, and he'd likely be someone Steve would never forget because of it. The guilt that stemmed from this felt insurmountable, and would make sure that this moment was engrained in his memories forever.

"Pretending to be okay about this would be even worse." Once he was on his feet and steady, he shifted away from Bucky's touch and began heading back to the apartment. The entire way home was in silence, at leas ton Steve's part. Up until entering the apartment, he'd retreated back into his own mind.

[couldntreach]

The moment they were in the room, Bucky pressed Steve into the door and held him there, locking it behind the younger vampire. He wasn't letting Steve retreat away from him, as well as this. It was an unfortunate mistake but nothing more. He would take care of this the only way he knew how.

"He would have died tonight, whether you had found him or not, Steve."

There was no lack of conviction or honesty in his voice, and he held Steve's eyes firmly. He was not trying to compel Steve. Only to ease his mind.

When he looked away, it was to give an air of shame that was his and not Steve's. If he could take some of this off of Steve's shoulders, he would.

"I would have killed him before I came back here in the morning."

Maybe he would have, who could say?

"He was a mugger. A cowardly alley backstabber." It was not so far a stretch. The man had had a switchblade on him. Bucky's sense of justice was far looser to interpretation than Steve's schooled law justice.

"I will not try to convince you he deserved death, I know you wouldn't buy it from me. But he would have died one way or another."

[neverdanced]

Maybe it was due to Steve feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment, or maybe it was that he so desperately wanted to feel even a little better about all of this. In any case, he let himself believe Bucky, just a little bit.

It was a horrible way to view it. Everyone died eventually, that was true. But taking someone before their time was cruel. Then again, Steve wasn't even considering the possibility that this man might've been destined to die at his hand to begin with.

He wasn't sure how much of this Bucky was saying for his benefit, and he wasn't sure how to feel about it yet at all. Steve glanced away, fixing his gaze on an empty patch of wall to his left.

"I just never wanted to hurt anyone, Bucky. And I not only did that, but I killed him. Even if he died regardless- what if he had a family?"

[couldntreach]

"I know, Steve."

Bucky sighed and leaned in, pressing his face to Steve's neck and ignoring the tempting pule of fresh, warm blood flowing through him. He hadn't hunted yet that night, and he was thirsty, but right now, Steve needed him.

"But regret brings no one back from the dead and lingering on guilt isn't going to help you or him. It was an accident, Steve. And my fault, more than yours. I haven't... I should have helped you learn to control your thirst."

He was going to have to do more than he had been doing if Steve was going to be on his own in public ever again.

[neverdanced]

After a moment, Steve brought a hand up and rested it on the back of Bucky's head, fingers threading into his hair. As upset as he was about all of this, having Bucky close helped. Listening to him helped. It wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear; none of it was, but what he needed to hear.

He didn't want to be a monster, but if he could keep this as the first and only time that he hurt someone, he could handle that.

"I need you to start helping me. I don't want to be like this forever."

He pushed Bucky back enough so he could look at him directly this time, then pressed his forehead against the other vampire's. "Please."

[couldntreach]

Bucky rested his hands on Steve's shoulders, giving them a slow squeeze.

"I will. I'll start tomorrow. You'll get a hold of this, Steve."

He pulled away to search his eyes a moment, thumbs rubbing against Steve's neck in slow circles.

"I swear."

[neverdanced]

Steve didn't break eye contact while Bucky spoke to him. He nodded and relaxed considerably. He was still bothered by all of this, and figured he would be at least to some degree for a long time, but there was hope. That mattered most.

For now he could at least try to take Bucky's advice and not dwell on all of this right now. "Thank you."

He leaned back against the door and ran a hand back through his hair. "Sorry about your work."

[couldntreach]

"They'll survive without me for a night. Come on."

He let go of Steve to grab his hand, leading him away from the door. He had at least accomplished what he started out to do, which was to calm Steve down. It might not have worked flawlessly, but he didn't seem to be dangerously self loathing for the moment.

"I've got the night off, now. We can watch a movie or something."

[neverdanced]

Steve nodded and let the other man lead him farther into the apartment. He'd be content with anything that took him from reality, that distracted him from everything. If he could have even an hour of nothing else existing but him, Bucky, and whatever else, he'd be happy with that.

"You can pick the movie, but make sure I'd like it."

[couldntreach]

"I'm still trying to decide if that's an actual possibility."

A light jab at their differences in movie tastes, but he grinned and hoped Steve could recognize it as the joke it was. It was just important to try to get Steve out of his head and away from what he had just done.

"I think I have some classics- your kind," Not his horror classics, "We could put one of those on."